Thursday, July 23, 2009

New Life, Week One

Name: Alyse Lov---no, Sheridan. I meant Sheridan. This is me on my honeymoon, looking joyous.

Status: Relocated American. (Unregistered immigrant living on the good graces of the Irish government.) (Fence jumper.) (Border hopper.) (Never mind.)

Occupation: Housewife. This is my handiwork. Look, there's a vacuum!

I could post more pictures of where I live, but you might get the impression that I was staying in an underground hideaway littered with the luggage and carcasses of other immigrants that didn't make it.

You saw the vacuum, right?

Since I'm not legally entitled to work here right now, I spend my days much like June Cleaver or Donna Reed or Timmy's mom from Lassie. I keep house! Today, keeping house has consisted of watching Border Patrol and boiling a leftover chicken breast. For those of you not familiar with Border Patrol, it's a reality show from New Zealand and Australia that follows their customs and immigration officers, who say things like, "Uhkaay, whot's going ta huppen now is we'ah going ta do a full body seahch ta detuhmine thut you don't heve any cannabis taped ta yuh pehson." Then when they find some (they always do), they turn to the camera, and say blandly in the same accent, "Uhh, we did find a significant quantity of cannabis taped to the inside of the passenger's leg, right between his balls and his bottom?"

Next, I think I will make myself a cup of tea and continue cleaning.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Nice. You're housekeeping skills need a little work though. You know you have to actually make the vacuum work, right? It doesn't just sit there and work on its own. Just checking.

Keep it up. As usual, I love your stories and now that I can't get them in person almost daily, I'm going to need regular blogs. It's way more fun than boiling chicken, isn't it?