Thursday, September 20, 2007

She gave me a guilt trip.

I made the mistake of telling my mother that I had written about her buying a certain magazine full of ridiculous and vulgar articles, the title of which rhymes with Schmozmoschmolitan. I genuinely felt bad; she was truly embarrassed and a little upset that I had publicly announced this, mainly because the wildest magazine she's ever bought outside of her Time subscription is Vogue, which does not refer to men's genitalia as "family jewels". In fact, I don't think they mention men's genitalia at all, unless Stefano Pilati or Zac Posen is making designer penis-warmers. The fact is, my mother is a very classy lady, and honestly didn't know what she was getting into, because she doesn't read trashy magazines. Which is amazing, considering the number I leave scattered around the house. Consider this an official testimony to her pristine character and irreproachable moral fiber. A disclaimer, if you will. I can only assume that she didn't realize what she was doing when she bought it, and must have confused it with Good Housekeeping.
Disclaimer: My mother does not read Good Housekeeping either.


Ben said...

Thanks for indelibly searing the phrase "designer penis warmers" into my subconscious.

Anonymous said...

"Designer Penis Warmer"? I think you mean the Hy-Top Family Jewel Fusion Deluxe © .

Anonymous said...

Yes it may be indeed true that your mother is of a very classy ilk, but this not withstanding she did purchase said magazine? If so it is only logical to assume that all Schmozmoschmolitan consumers are of pristine Character and irreproachable moral fibre.
Unfortunately I have never reached these dizzying heights of morality (can’t afford Schmozmo) hence I am just off to surf for this season must have… ”penis warmer”, and to purchase my less high brow magazine “Splayboy” For the articles you understand! umh those lovely articles !!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I love you Leesie-poo!....And yo Mama! Your mom is honestly one of the absolute sweetest people I've ever met. I know she's INNOCENT! On another note, the more of your blogs that I read, the more I think that you really should write a book. Something along the lines of "Alyse Loving's Diary." You know, kind of like "Bridget Jones' Diary." Go for it!