The post in which I use the word 'ass' twice and tell you in the title so my mom won't feel offended because she was warned

Lately, instead of baking delicious treats from my new cookbook, working on a quilt, reading, and filling my days with joy, I have been trying to find myself health insurance. Normally the way people do this is they stay covered by their parents' insurance, go to college, graduate within a reasonable amount of time from a reputable institution, and find themselves professional work that kindly provides them with coverage, because we live in a country where we are supposed to feel lucky when we get any kind of healthcare. (No, someone said to me, we are lucky that we don't live in Africa without vaccinations or proper doctors. Thanking you kindly I take your point, but since America is a first-world country and provides the poorest healthcare of any country in that class, I think maybe you can just go ahead and marry your sister.)

Because I didn't exactly follow this rather more responsible course of action, my mother's health insurance sent her a kind letter reminding her that they do not cover her 25-year-old bum offspring who could have gone and gotten themselves their own insurance by now. That's a quote. Then we got very excited when I got a letter from the government offering me continuing coverage with the same provider under the COBRA Act, which means I can keep my current policy from lapsing until, I assume, I am in a position to actually care for myself. Which will relieve my mom, because boy, do her arms get tired from wiping my ass all the time. This was super-duper-fan-tan-diddly news until we called and found out that they are graciously providing this service to me for a bargain price more than 2 times what we have been paying for myself AND my brother. TOGETHER.

So when I was on the phone with the nice lady from COBRA and she cheerfully told me I could send them my first monthly payment of $337.62 any time, if I was quick-witted I could have like asked her if, for that price, they were planning to take over the ass-wiping job also, since they were back there raping me anyway.